DAMN! Police Arrest an Actress on Vocal Rest, Can’t Get Her to Talk

by Dylan Bivings. @dmacbivings.

NEW YORK, NY - Actress Janet Milton has been arrested for a string of burglaries across the city, but detectives have had trouble questioning her due to her being on vocal rest.

“We’ve tried everything under the sun to get her to talk, but she won’t budge,” said Detective Eli Stapler as he read her resume for clues. “After every question, she just gestures to her name tag that said ‘Hello, I Am: On Vocal Rest.’ We tried good cop bad cop. Threatened her with jail time. The whole precinct sang ‘Seasons of Love,’ and she didn’t even jump in on the female solo! She’s a tough nut.”

Beat cop Matthew Banks, who apprehended Milton and is also musical director for the precinct, weighed in on the arrest.

“Look, just ‘cause she’s a criminal doesn’t mean she should mismanage her instrument,” Banks said, putting the piano back in the evidence room. “Luckily we've recovered the stolen items: forty pairs of size seven LaDuca’s, twelve boxes of Vicks Vocal Steamers, and the first draft of Great Comet II. Shit! I was instructed not to reveal that last item. Can you strike that from the record?”

Detective Linda Driver, Stapler’s partner who is still paying off her NYU Tisch loans, provided more details on Janet’s case.

“I was expecting a lawyer to speak for her, but her agent showed up instead,” claimed Driver, jealous that she was with Gersh. “We offered her 10-15 at Rikers, but they said that her body of work warranted 5-10 max and that Rikers didn’t need any more sopranos. But in the end, they'll take their chances with a jury, because apparently they’re looking for a ‘scrappy underdog type.’ Personally, I think she should’ve taken our deal. She would’ve gotten a staggering three dollars and fourteen cents an hour, plus her own bathroom.”

Janet’s court date is set for this Saturday, so she will be out for the matinee. She was unavailable for comment because she was still resting her gift for the night show.