by Preeya Shankar. @PreeyaShankar.
LOS ANGELES - Reports are surfacing this morning that Anna Kendrick has taken out a hit on “just whoever’s easiest” from the recently announced Wicked movie cast, eagle-eyed sources confirmed.
“These rumors are summarily untrue. Anna is an Oscar, Tony, and People’s Choice Award nominee. She would never do such a thing!” her agent, Henry Hugh, announced nervously and visibly sweating. “Would she be interested in a part in the film? Absolutely. Would she do the part, whichever one happened to be available, justice? Of course. Does her career - including critical favorites The Last Five Years and Into the Woods and High Society - merit her a role? I’ll let John Chu decide. I know you’ll make the right choice, John,” he noted, not un-menacingly.
However, an anonymous sniper source confirmed that Kendrick had sought him out, though he would only discuss the matter behind a curtain and with a voice modulator.
"This is not Kendrick’s first notable act of violence. Her 2012 rendition of the song Cups has been labeled by parents as “objectively malicious,” “hellfire in my brain,” and “take my kids away, I’m feeling a Hereditary episode coming on,” noted the assassin, from an undisclosed location that we're pretty sure is just the set of Noelle 2. The song came from Pitch Perfect, which documented the escapades of a college a cappella group: already a sinister concept on its own terms."
Kendrick’s close friend and personal assistant Nadine Armstrong denied the rumor, but not before quickly taking a call canceling Kendrick’s upcoming interview on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon.
“There’s no way she’d do something like that! Her whole thing is ‘cute and approachable’ and it's because that’s totally who she actually is!” Armstrong exclaimed, in a pitch heretofore unheard by humans. “Anyway, I’m so excited to meet Ariana! Or Cynthia! Or whoever ends up co-starring in the film if someone can’t do it for some reason and Anna gets it!”
At press time, sources noted that the former theater darling was hurtling towards the dark side so quickly that she may even get a highbrow TV miniseries within the next few decades, clarifying that the general public "loves a Scrappy Little Eve Harrington".