Scientists Predict That by 2080, Only Remaining American Wildlife Will Be "Lion King" National Tour
by Alex O’Connor. @alexanderAOC1.
CAMBRIDGE, Mass. - Researchers at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology are reporting that, due to the effects of climate change, we will see mass extinction by 2080, with the only surviving species to be The Lion King national tour.
“2080 will be a challenging year for biodiversity,” said Emily Wilbur, a wildlife expert who beatboxed in an a cappella group in college. “The closest thing to wildlife will be adults wearing face paint and faux fur. Having variety in the ecosystem is essential to its functioning, and The Lion King cast has too many tenors. In the future, every animal that’s not a human will be dead, and the vocal harmonies will be off.”
Toby Ellis, who plays Simba in the national tour and recently received their BFA from Ithaca College, is excited for what the future holds.
“Everyone says that The Lion King has been on tour for a long time, but I never suspected it would outlive every species on the planet,” noted Ellis, who prepared for the role by growling at strangers. “I didn't think my career would take off this fast, and I’m glad it did, because it sort of feels like the end is nigh. I’m proud to carry on the legacy of such a great show and also the actual animal kingdom. I will do my best to roar like a lion for the children who will never experience nature.”
Morris Herrera, who plays Connor Murphy in the Dear Evan Hansen national tour, was displeased with the report.
“I know there are no animals in our show, and nobody's saying we won’t still be doing Evan Hansen in 2080, but it just sucks to be like completely left out of the report,” stated Herrera while sitting in his old pick-up that gets two miles per gallon. “There are some great songs in our show, and I don’t think enough people recognize that, especially these so-called 'scientists'. All the animals being dead will suck though, I guess.”
The report also found that mass food and water shortages will make the North American continent largely inhospitable, even for humans. Along with plant, bug, and animal life, Wilbur predicts that most baritones will perish in Earth’s destruction, leaving the middle octaves empty and the earth flooded with tenors… and water.