Actor Really Wishes Theatre Would Stop Using His Crying Face to Advertise Training Program

by Conor Moroney. @conorseamusactor.

SYRACUSE, NY – Thomas Kensington, a professional actor looking to make a name for himself, really wishes that the Shakariffic Theatre Company would stop using a picture of his crying face to advertise their training program.

“Denzel in Glory and Meryl in Sophie’s Choice this ain’t,” Kensington said, sweatily assuring us he is regularly getting emails about callbacks and offers. “It comes off two ways: either someone there hates me and wants to humiliate me; or it’s like the ‘before’ picture because on the same poster is an actor happy and looking upwards! Why did I have to do this workshop?”

Charlotte Harvel, also in the promo picture, expresses skepticism over her scene partners theories regarding the sniveling snot shot.

“I mean, being on stage with him was powerful,” Harvel said, serving as a monitor and holding off nonunion actors with a barstool and whip. “He was Proctor and I was Elizabeth in the jail and he just let all this pent up emotion out and – GET BACK, TROGLODYTES! [snap snap snap] – I don’t know, he’s always worried about how his acting looks to people, but he’s gotta realize that not everyone crying is going to look like Demi in Ghost.”

Roger Eagleson, the head of Marketing at Shakariffic, issued a statement regarding Kensington’s repeated inquiries into removing the blubbering blurb of an ad.

“Listen, I get it, it’s not Peter Mayhew in Empire,” Eagleson began, checking his schedule that alternated between “ask [BUSINESS] about the thing” and “make [JOURNALIST]’s life a living hell.” “Thomas put in the effort during our workshop, so we wanted to capture that for actors looking to keep training. Most people always want to be compared to Viola Davis, but I guess he thinks he’s being her from Fences specifically. It's so much snot.”

Prior to publication of this article, The Broadway Beat received five missed calls and five frantic voicemails from Kensington. Apparently someone approached him after a show and called him “a widdle cwybaby," causing him to be inconsolable ever since, which honestly just makes him more recognizable.