by Ryan Kristopik. @ryankristopik.
Everyone’s favorite cheat (out) meal takes place at the Applebee’s on 42nd Street. What Broadway Babies don’t know is that there is a hidden menu for those willing to tread the boards. I decided to treat myself as I sat down at a table for one, gave the waiter a nod, and began my journey. He claimed to have no idea what I was talking about and insisted there was no secret menu, but I know someone who’s playing hard to get when I see one. Let’s begin… five six seven eat!
Appetizers
Beauty and the Beef Nachos
Hit!
My stomach was saying “bonjour!” and “good day” to this cheesy mound of goodness. This stuff is truly delicious. Don’t believe me? You can ask the dishes.
Mary Jalapeno Poppins
Flop!
More like a spoon full o’ shit! Fed the birds with my leftovers.
After my first course, I was craving the showstoppers: the entrees. I let the waiter know I was a food critic and this could be great publicity for their establishment. He asked for my credentials. What a comedian - dinner and a show!
Entrees
Man of La Manicotti
Flop!
Two thumbs down. An impossible cream inside. Lost my appetite after Act one.
Dear Evan Handcrafted Bacon Burger*
Hit!
You will be found salivating over this juicy burger that comes with a Side of Fries & Dolls, and don’t be distracted by the waiter asking you to stop telling other tables about the Broadway-themed secret menu. It’s all in good fun.
*Consuming raw or undercooked meats may increase your risk of foodborne illness. Be sure to check it is not the color purple in the center.
Of course I left room for dessert. Get this: the waiter calls over the (stage) manager to tell me I must select one of the 5 written options on the menu, or I will not get any food. A modern Abbott & Costello! They really make you work for these undercover delights.
Desserts
My Fair Lava Cake
Hit!
Just you wait until you get to the chocolate ganache center, Mr. Higgins. Don’t expect to sleep tonight. I haven't slept in nine weeks, by the way.
Time for a nightcap. The whole restaurant is now in on the joke. They tell me the secret menu “has never and will never exist” and that if I don’t leave they’ll “call the police”. Isn’t that rich? I love it when an ensemble really commits.
Cocktails
Rum Tum Tugger & Coke
Hit!
Have 3 of these after a show and your Memory will actually never live again. I drank 7 and then yelled a lot.
Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark Chocolate Martini
...obviously a Flop!
Warning: May Cause Multiple Injuries
Honorable Mentions:
Best Little Whorehouse in Texas Toast
Angelica, Eliza, and Peggy’s In A Blanket
Seagrams & 1776
Bring in ‘da Noise, Bring in ‘da Fudge Brownie Pie
They’re Playing Our Sausage & Peppers Hoagie
You can choose to keep these secrets to yourself or Cher them with friends. Either way, Mangia mia!
For more information please contact me at the Midtown South Precinct. Cell #24.