by Megan Pope. @mpopetweets.
NEW YORK, NY - The American Theater Wing announced this morning that Heidi Schreck, playwright and star of the Tony-nominated What The Constitution Means To Me, will receive a special Tony award for “remembering all that stuff”.
“Ow, I am so tired. Like, so exhausted it’s crazy,” said Schreck while resting a raw steak on her head and lying down in one of those recovery chambers NFL players use. “I’m also proud. I’ve always wanted to star in a Broadway show, and now I’m doing it. I’m doing some of the hardest work on Broadway. But wow, it’s…. so much stuff to remember.”
While hundreds of Broadway actors have been tasked with memorizing long chunks of dialogue, Heidi’s show requires her to memorize, just like, so many words. A group of scientists from the Harvard Research Unit recently attended Heidi’s show and praised her writing and performance, but even they are unable to explain how she manages to remember all that stuff every night.
“We’re talking political stuff, personal stuff, legal stuff, emotional stuff, family stuff, amendment stuff, supreme court stuff, stuffed animal stuff – she recites it all flawlessly, 8 shows a week, and in a killer yellow blazer to boot!” said Sherman Jacobson, head of Theatre Memory Studies in Cambridge, MA. He noted that the facility received a special grant in order to further research into Schreck’s ability to remember all that stuff - a feat that has baffled researchers nationwide.
Scientists from the Seattle Scientific Research center also attended a performance, and afterword assured Schreck that remembering all that stuff every night will not cause any long term brain damage.
“Human beings actually do have the capacity to remember a bunch of stuff,” noted Dr. Patricia Hammel of the Seattle Scientific Research Center. “When push comes to shove, everyone on earth except for Heidi is pretty damn lazy. It’s fascinating.”
At press time, Schreck was seen asking a friend for her homemade chili recipe, but not writing any of it down - an act that had many on-lookers screaming “she’s playing God!” and accusing Schreck of using performance-enhancing drugs. Results of a federally-issued drug test showed no signs of foul play but did show that her calcium and blood sugar levels are in really good shape, too.