by Bryan Jager. @drawnbybryan.
UNIVERSAL CITY, Ca. - A press conference announcing the cast of the upcoming live television production of Annie ended abruptly as producers announced they would not be stunt casting the production and will instead cast a genuinely talented actress who PSYCH lol its gonna be Honey Boo Boo.
“We really had you going there for a second, didn’t we?” asked Annie Live! Producer Marshall Bum-Platt, who spent the interview scrolling through angry Twitter threads while stroking his chest. “You thought maybe we’d learned our mistake after Christopher Walken’s Very Expensive Drag Show or Carrie Underwood in ‘White Sister Act’, and for a while we honestly considered casting an established Broadway performer who could act, sing, and maybe even dance. So we cast Matthew Morrison as The Grinch… and how did that go again?”
Making the announcement all the more jarring was a simultaneous promotional event held in an abandoned Macy’s Department Store, where the role of Miss Hannigan was to be picked from a line of esteemed Broadway character actresses NAH just kidding it’s someone from The Circle.
“It’s so nice to see all of us together for once. Judy Kaye. Mary Testa. Christine Ebersole. Usually they only allow one of us in a show at a time,” said Hannigan hopeful and far-better-than-this-bullshit, Victoria Clark. “I’m disappointed I wasn’t picked, but I guess ‘Victoria Clark as Miss Hannigan’ doesn’t have the same ring as ‘Lance Bass’s personal assistant catfishing as Lance Bass as Miss Hannigan.’ I was surprised Laura Benanti didn’t show up, but she’s probably up for the role of Grace or something.”
The Broadway Beat confirmed: she probably is.
Rounding out the cast of “stars” are Tiffany ‘New York’ Pollard as Star To Be, that guy from that one episode of The Office I think as Drake the Butler, the Despicable Me Minions as the Lovely Boyelyn Sisters, Ben Platt in the completely age appropriate role of Molly, and a whole boatload of hard working, deserving Broadway professionals… as understudies.
“They don’t want a repeat of RENT Live” says Annie Understudy Jackie Hoffman, whilst carefully peeling a banana. “So for every reality television has-been, there’s one Broadway actor ready to go on at a moment’s notice. My question is - what happens when they all go down?” she asked, pausing to toss the peel into a barrel of many, many peels.
Annie Live! will premiere on NBC- err, trend, on Twitter this holiday season.