by Quinn Brown.
BAYFIELD, WI. - Middle age "Hamilton" superfan Michael Whitaker was recently left feeling repulsed, saddened, and astounded after hearing his first non-Hamilton related rap song, sources have confirmed.
“After two years, I finally got tired of listening to the Hamilton soundtrack,” stated a distressed Whitaker. “So, I decided I’d try and find something else like it. I looked up “rap music”, and needless to say I was taken aback. I heard nothing about the founding fathers or the United States treasury in any of the songs, but I did hear ‘fly go hard, like geese erection’ and I did not like that.”
After posting about the incident to his 42 Facebook friends, Whitaker found that other Hamilton fans had similar experiences.
“It’s horrifying,” stated one user, John Borinksy. “My son dragged me out to some rap concert, and I figured it would be like Hamilton, so I put on my finest button down and was thrilled to accompany him. The guy’s name was “The Boogie and The Sweatshirt” or something. I didn’t see a single violin in the pit. In fact, I didn’t see a pit at all. What kind of rap concert doesn’t even have live instrumentation? Complete rip-off.”
Whitaker’s son and self-proclaimed “trapper”, Alex, expressed an opposite sentiment upon hearing the Hamilton soundtrack for the first time.
“What the fuck is this?” asked the 16-year old. “Are these guitars? What is this, 2004? This isn’t rap music. When 2 Chainz said ‘my dick so hard it make the metal detector go off,” that was real. This Hamilton stuff is offensive.”
Whitaker’s partner, Adam Milovich, found both sides to be in the wrong.
“I don’t like rap, and I don’t like Hamilton. There’s nothing ‘musical’ about any of it,” said Milovich. “Both are just artless noise. All they've ever done is promote sex and violence, and both Lin-Manuel Miranda and Lil Xan should be equally ashamed. Maybe if Alexander Hamilton took up the piano and eventually learned a little James freakin’ Taylor, he wouldn’t have had an affair and been shot to death.”