"Funny Girl" Producers Threaten to Cast Matthew Morrison If Discourse Continues
by Devin Wallace. @thedevinwallace.
NEW YORK, NY - In the wake of mounting discourse over Lea Michele’s casting in Funny Girl, producers of the show have threatened to cast her Glee co-star Matthew Morrison if all those ungrateful fans don’t shut their traps and know what’s good for them.
“Don’t make us do something drastic,” said producer Katherine Harris, as she prepared to text the 43-year old actor best known for singing songs with teenagers on TV. “You think you’re ‘over’ the worst online takes, the most drawn-out discourse? You thankless kids are in for a very rude, very uncomfortable reality check.”
Fellow producer Burt Jemison echoed that sentiment in a raving, sweaty press conference.
“We’ll f***ing do it,” said Jemison, holding his finger over a video of Morrison’s performance in NBC’s How the Grinch Stole Christmas. “We brought Funny Girl back into the world, and we can drag it right back to hell with the guy who sang 'Thong Song' on Fox primetime.”
Ensemble member Perry Lucken urged fans to keep an open mind.
“Please, everyone take a breath and remain calm,” said Lucken as he held today’s newspaper in a grainy cell phone video. “We all know this is the right casting choice, and we all definitely know the producers can make even more drastic choices, so let’s all appreciate the show they’ve created. Please.”
While those involved with the show don’t anticipate further backlash, reports indicate producers have strapped old-timey sticks of dynamite to themselves with Laura Osnes on speed-dial, just in case.