Woman Who Ate Her Divorce Papers with Ketchup Eats Her 1040 Tax Form with Honey Mustard
by Roxy Arecco. @roxyarecco.
SANTA MONICA, Ca. - Area woman Jill Cusack, who famously ate her divorce papers with ketchup in the Gabriel Davis play Goodbye Charles, has now eaten her 1040 tax form with honey mustard and washed it down with an ice-cold glass of lemonade, sources confirm.
“I ate it. That’s right. I ate my 1040 tax form with honey mustard and it was delicious,” a full and satisfied Cusack announced with pride. “If I don’t earn a serious income as a divorced, single mother, then you can’t seriously expect me to do my taxes. Also, I was hungry.”
Charles, Cusack’s ex-husband who disappeared following the divorce paper incident until he was found weeks later hiding behind their dusty, cobweb-ridden paper shredder, detailed the morning’s events.
“I was on my way to her house to pick up our daughter when she called to ask if I could buy some ink,” he explained. “When I got there, she reloaded the cartridge, printed the tax form, cut it with a knife and fork, and nibbled at it over the next twenty minutes. I wasn’t surprised, though. In 2008, she swallowed my mother’s absentee ballot whole so she couldn’t vote for John McCain.”
Paul, Cusack’s eighth grade boyfriend who’s proposed to her forty-seven times and sent her over two hundred plagiarized sonnets since 1993, defended Cusack’s peaceful protest.
“Jill knows what she wants,” noted Paul with admiration. “She wants proper wages, she wants fair taxation, she didn’t want her husband to leave her but once I propose for the forty-eighth time, she’ll realize it was for the best. I’ll buy her all the paper she wants. Would Charles do that? No, he ‘cares about the environment.’”
At press time, Cusack noted that she intends to go digital by the end of the year. Although a cell phone will be harder to chew than paper, Cusack claims that she’ll do what it takes since she can’t stomach the thought of injustice.