by Sarah Rabinowitz. @SarahRabinowitz.
NEW YORK, NY - Broadway understudy Audrey Pierson announced to friends today that she is excited for New York City theaters to reopen because she is eager to sit backstage and do nothing instead of sitting on her couch and doing nothing, the main activity of her past year.
“I’ll finally have time to read all the books I’ve been meaning to,” gushed Pierson, gesturing to a pile of dusty books that she also claimed to be excited to read a year ago when the shutdown presented her with more time at home. “The rush of sitting for hours in the green room while other actors perform is really going to elevate the experience.”
Pierson’s personal trainer Jared Valdez, whose self-published book “One Day More: Motivation Tips From a Broadway-Adjacent Trainer” is set to hit shelves next month, felt confident that her return to backstage would have amazing health benefits.
“All year Audrey has been confined to her living room and bedroom,” explained Valdez, sitting in front of a Gaston motivational poster with the caption “Bring on the (bar)Belles”. “Soon she can resume her active lifestyle and take walks in the dressing room, the green room, AND the hallway!”
Despite concern from investors, Candy Crush CEO Riccardo Zacconi, who listed Pierson as one of the app’s top five users, was assured that her transition back to work would not impede her dedication to the game.
“Over the past year Ms. Pierson has skyrocketed from Candy Crush level 45 to level 61,553,” revealed Zacconi, speaking to The Broadway Beat from his new yacht affectionately named Audrey. “Despite her change in location, I have great confidence that she will be able to devote the exact same amount of time to the game that she has throughout the pandemic. Maybe even more without a roommate to talk to and everyone else on stage.”
At press time, Pierson was reportedly excited to go online shopping and then ultimately talk herself out of every item in her cart on her first day back at the theater.