by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
WASHINGTON D.C. - The Trump administration announced today that, despite a recent spike in coronavirus cases in a number of states, they would be pushing to reopen schools across the country this Fall, along with a number of nonessential workplaces and, perhaps most heinous, the American Psycho musical adaptation, the administration confirmed.
“The children - they need the schools, wonderful school and wonderful tremendous children,” noted the actual President of a country. “But because New York didn’t vote for me - very awful state - I’m also going to order a reopening of American Psycho on Broadway and several community theaters, effective immediately.”
Several cabinet members quit immediately after the proclamation, stating that it was “sick”, “unpatriotic”, and that “if he is a ‘Wartime President’, then this is an act of wartime aggression.’”
The musical, with music and lyrics by Duncan Sheik, opened on Broadway in 2016 to lukewarm reviews and an almost full award season snub. Although many of the admin’s actions in response to the pandemic have been lopsided, muddy, and emotionally motivated, resulting in thousands of avoidable deaths, many individuals consider this to be a new low for the Commander-In-Chief.
“Putting our student’s lives at risk seems pretty on par for him, but this? This is unconscionable,” noted a local resident Beatrice Hill. “The unenthused performances, the on-the-nose lyrics, the weird electronica - if there’s anything this country doesn’t need right now, it’s the American Psycho musical. Well, that, and forcing people to enter heavily populated areas during a pandemic which spreads exponentially in heavily populated areas. Both are bad.”
Presumed Democratic presidential candidate Joe Biden offered a response to Trump’s threat.
“If elected, and as long as I’m in office, American Psycho will never be revived,” noted Biden to a response of cheers, claps, and actual tears. “You can force people back into the workplace, you can force people to interact when it’;s incredibly unsafe to do so, but you can NOT force people to listen to “Cards”. That itself is grounds for impeachment.”
At press time, Trump continued his tirade against the American people by announcing that he himself would lead all American Psycho revivals after spending several years embodying the role of a rich narcissist with no friends. However, the primary difference between the characters lies in the ending; while there is ambiguity as to whether or not Patrick Bateman actually killed anyone in American Psycho, it is canon that Trump has killed thousands of Americans through his refusal to provide medical relief funds and materials to targeted states. There is no official word from the White House on whether or not he danced to “Hip to Be Square” while doing it.