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  • Writer's pictureBroadway Beat

We Tried Ordering Tickets to "Paradise Square" But the Dye Pack Went Off

by Jonathan Hollister.

HOBOKEN, NJ - Chaos unfolded today at The Broadway Beat office when an intern returning from a Paradise Square ticket order opened their duffle bag to reveal that the dye packs had gone off inside, ruining the goods. The bag once contained 10 non-sequential tickets to the Garth Drabinsky-produced show, now ruined from the ITNS (intelligent ticket neutralization system) that had gone off in transit.

“It’s a damn shame," associate producer Terry “The Shark” Petrucelli wrote to us on a horse headible arrangement. “But the boss says no refunds. So beat it kid, and stop pokin' your nose where it don’t belong.”

The tickets, purchased through a series of bitcoin transactions, were picked up in the back room of a pizza parlor in Brooklyn, but when the interns were sent back to investigate, the whole neighborhood was gone. When we asked about Paradise Square, no one seemed to know what we were talking about, but foul play was ruled when we remembered no one knew that much about the show.

Undeterred, we continued to follow the money. After hours of tireless searching we were eventually invited to the exclusive 54 lounge, and given the opportunity to interview Paradise Square producer Luis “The Spider” Corleone.

“I’m not gonna lie - I like ya kid. That's the only reason why you’ll get to walk away from this meeting. Most people don’t get that lucky. So here’s two tickets to Paradise Square. You can take them and take a special friend of yours out on the town for the night, my treat. You can take these tickets, enjoy the show, and write us a glowing review on that little website of yours. Or you don’t, but that’s your choice.”

As our intern was making their way back to the PATH, they were pulled aside by an anonymous informant who only went by the name "Stage Door".

“There’s no show. I don’t know how to explain it,” said the figure cloaked in darkness. “The money goes in and nothing comes out. These critics get preview tickets, and are paid off to write something, anything. But ask your friends, ask your family. Has anyone actually seen Paradise Square?”

If you or anyone you know has any information regarding Paradise Square, please reach out to Manhattan DA’s office of financial crimes.


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