by Sara Detrik. @sara_detrik.
NEW YORK, NY - This past Monday, famously the one day per week in which almost all Broadway theaters go “dark” with no performances or marquees lit up, saw thousands of tourists gathering to watch New York based actors crawl en masse through miles of Manhattan and Brooklyn to finally slip beneath the Coney Island waves and return to their home in the sea, sources confirmed.
“I never miss it,” said New Jersey resident Max Hardstark as he packed up his foldable lawn chair. “Just actors, as far as the eye can see, adventuring back to where they came from in order to bring the riches of our world to their salt water families. It’s the circle of life, you know?”
Although the joy of the actor’s journey can be contagious, Dr. Kellie Jameson, marine biologist and part time director, talked to us about the dangers they face during these weekly voyages.
“It’s a mad scramble back to the ocean,” noted Dr. Jameson as she clipped a plastic six pack soda ring off of Jonathan Groff’s neck. “Actors have a lot of natural predators that try to pick them off. Fans wanting pictures, paying the bills on time, racoons. God, what I’ve seen a raccoon do to a middle-aged character actor. Once they hit the water, though, the actors naturally become much more agile.”
Once safely in the water, the actors must rest their voice until it’s time for them to crawl back to land for auditions, or, if they’re very lucky, another week of shows. Actors always return to where they themselves were hatched in order to lay their own eggs. The International Actor Rescue were happy to tell us more as they heaved Patina Miller off the pier.
“They teach Arthur Miller scene study classes to their young where they themselves were hatched,” noted one of the volunteers. “Soon, their progeny will take that same New York journey as so many have before them. I still remember when Henry Fonda threw Jane Fonda into the ocean in order to claw her way to land. It was raw nature at its finest.”
At press time, lines were already forming around the South Street Seaport in order to watch the actors return come Tuesday afternoon, with several volunteers armed with scissors in order to cut Idina Menzel out of a tangled fishing line.