• Broadway Beat

REPORT: Local Woman Not Theatre Kid, Just Extrovert with Extremely Limited Taste in Music

by Alexandra Bowman. @scripta_bene.

WASHINGTON D.C. - At long last, local student Mickayla Mitchell has been deemed by experts to not in fact be a “theatre kid,” as many suspected, but simply an extrovert with limited social skills who enjoys repetition-heavy pop ballads involving sad women.


“I know a whole lot about three or four artists, and jack squat about everything else,” said Mitchell, who performed a Billie Eilish song at an open mic at her school three years ago and is still getting made fun of for it. “Sure, my friend group might be comprised of people generally centered around the same pop culture interests, but those interests are mainstream. I mean, we’re still social outcasts. But I’m not a theatre kid! We are not the same!”


Theatre teacher Kurt Aincall - who is played by Robin Williams in the film adaptation of this article - apparently attempted to recruit Mitchell into the school’s drama program more than once, despite her slapping the entire theatre program with a restraining order.


“Mitchell has the exact lack of shame, as well as an irrational love of her particular artistic interests, that defines my top students," noted Aincall, who was dressed in a doublet and garters while saying this, and also held a plastic human skull labeled “Didn’t Memorize His Lines On Time". "Who cares what the object of that irrational love is? The result is the same."


Millie Mitchell, Mitchell’s mother, wearing a sweatshirt with the Les Mis logo and blasting the Hamilton casting recording from her Mac, spoke to us while her husband stood nearby dyeing Cats unitards for his Etsy store. Mrs. Mitchell informed us that Mikayla usually looks exhausted, has a highly active social media presence, enjoys Bo Burnham, and wears Converse, but still isn’t a theatre kid.


“One day, she came home and told me and my husband - who I’ll have you know has starred in no less than THREE local productions of Anything Goes - that she hadn't been spending all those hours after school in drama club. She was in... The British Media Club," noted Mrs. Mitchell, sobbing at the memory. “We don’t see her for days at a time because she stays after school watching one full Sherlock episode.”


At press time, Mickayla cited the fact that someone legally named Kurt Aincall at birth developed a genuine interest in working in theatre as a career, subsequently concluding that the theatre community must be a cult. She is, obviously, right, so let’s let her do her.