The Next Sweeney Todd? This Barber Just Killed a Man
by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
LONDON - Local authorities are buzzing this morning after discovering the body of 38-year old Mark Frianci in the barbershop of local groomer Damien Chattlesby - prompting speculation that a real-life Sweeney Todd may be in our midst, sources confirm.
“Obviously the murder is grisly, and we’ve had to arrest Mr. Chattlesby and charge him with homicide, but, I mean... he used a straight razor. That’s pretty freakin’ Sweeney,” notes London Chief of Police Henry Gril. “It’s a terrible crime but also he kind of stuck to the story and that should be applauded,” he added.
Witnesses standing by to try and snap pictures of the crime scene, and perhaps its’ vengeful baritone mastermind, were equally excited.
“At first I thought ‘oh no, this is such a tragedy’, but then I looked at some of the details and thought ‘wow… spot on,” notes local baker Natalie Lock. “He would come into my bakery every day and have a meat pie for lunch, and I never thought anything of it, but now I have to really respect his craft. He also never paid and threatened all of my customers constantly, but hey, an artist is an artist.”
Other locals also struggled to contain their excitement when it was revealed that the victim was also a barber, albeit from the Italian barbershop down the block.
“Yes it’s sad and horrifying and blah blah blah but the victim was an Italian barber?! Were they rivals? Was the victim a tenor? Did he have a mustache? God this fucking rules,” notes local priest Father James Wortman.
The Broadway Beat was granted a few words with Mr. Chattlesby as he awaited trial for the crime.
“I don’t know what Sweeney Todd is,” he claimed, chained to the bars of his cell at the local precinct. “All I know is that the razors are my friends and I use them to get revenge on those who sent me to an Australian prison for 15 years, and then on all of humanity for their crimes. I also own a small house by the sea. How is any of that relevant to this Sweeney guy?”
At press time, Mr. Chattlesby had escaped from jail, with the city of London placing all residents on high alert for a “dangerous, deranged murderer” while also letting them know to just, like, be cool if you see him and maybe he’ll give you an autograph.