• Broadway Beat

All the Sweaty, Primal Valentine’s Day Sex Tevye and Golde are Having Right Now, Ranked

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

Ah, Valentine’s Day - a celebration of love, dedication and intimacy. Many couples will celebrate the day by, at some point, making passionate love with their devoted partner, and this of course includes Fiddler on the Roof couple Tevye and Golde, who are celebrating the day with an almost non-stop fuckfest the likes of which you can’t even comprehend, freshman.


We reviewed and ranked each session of their bang-a-thon (they sent us the tapes, unprompted) - so where does your favorite twenty five-year marriage infused body party stack up? Find out below!


5. They started the morning with a somewhat simple session: 45 minutes of considerate love making that saw both Tevye and Golde putting each partner’s needs above their own. A beautiful display of true love and a fair warning for the rest of their small village of the day’s events to come.


4. The late afternoon session was a little lackadaisical due to the strenuity of the mid-afternoon (see #3). Still, their tender whoops and bellows shook the walls of their humble home and showcased that even though they are both getting up there in age, there’s still a skilled gymnast in all of us.


3. This was perhaps the most tiring session of the day: 95 minutes of role play in which we found out exactly what would happen if Tevye were a rich man. Spoiler alert: it’s some nasty, nasty sex stuff. It’s also fair to say that Tevye is a tad out of shape, so you can imagine the heavy breathing during their commercial-free bone parade. If you weren’t imagining it before, you are now.


2. Oh god, this one. This one was… it was a lot. They kept saying “we call this one The Bottle Dance” and, although we can’t give out any details without violating FCC guidelines, their description is accurate.

1. They did it on the roof. They used the fiddler’s bow. They left a trail of fiddle rosin throughout the village. The Fiddler watched. A sick, twisted ending to their relentless smash jamboree, and a stunning, timeless display of how the flame of love burns brighter with each passing day filled with devotion, exploration and pride.


Do you love them? You tell me.