by Jonathan Hogue. @jthogue2.
NEW YORK, NY - The NYPD is investigating suspicious activity at Times Square Port Authority today, after reports that “another hundred people just got off of the bus and are looking around”. Officers were tipped off to this potential threat by a witness who loudly sang this warning in a manic patter rhythm in the middle of 42nd Street.
“We see this kind of behavior all the time,” Police Sergeant Jim Hamworth stated while in line at a Nuts 4 Nuts stand. “People keep reporting this stuff like we’re supposed to do something about it. It’s a city of strangers, folks - some come to stare, some to stay.”
After careful surveillance, the NYPD can confirm that the suspicious horde of Greyhound passengers was comprised of a 62-person tourist group from Akron, Ohio; a 12-person Mennonite family with tickets to the Tenement Museum; and 26 character actresses in jewel-tone dresses on their way to a non-equity open call for Bristol Riverside Theatre’s Thoroughly Modern Millie.
“You know, it’s such a shame what this city has become,” said long-time New Yorker Joanne (last name omitted), drinking a homemade vodka stinger on 8th Avenue at 10:14am. “Back in my prime, New York was a city for dangerous lovers and passionate souls. Now it’s just gophers and gawkers. I’m three husbands in, and I’ll shoot my fourth one dead before I let him take me to the Museum of Broadway.”
Shortly after the incident, several other warning calls of suspicious activity were made to the NYPD, as reports came in from Penn Station of another hundred people getting off of the train and “coming up through the ground”. LaGuardia Airport was also placed on high alert when another hundred-person flock exited a plane, who many disturbed witnesses described as “looking at us”.
“We take the safety of our residents very seriously,” remarked New York City mayor Eric Adams while doodling little hearts all over contractor plans for the new Times Square casino. “That said, we welcome these perceived threats to stay a while and see what all our city has to offer. New York is back, baby!”
Police are now on the lookout for a 35-year-old single individual named Bobby (possibly spelled "Bobbie"), whose loudly belted self-discoveries have warranted several noise disturbance complaints on the Upper East Side.