• Broadway Beat

Steven Spielberg Convinced Rival Directors Created Omicron to Ruin "West Side Story" Ticket Sales

Updated: Jan 11

by Alexandra Bowman. @scripta_bene (Twitter).

LOS ANGELES – Following his West Side Story adaptation's disappointing box office performance, director Steven Spielberg was found sleepless and pungent in his dim-lit basement, hunched over an investigative corkboard with “NOLAN DID OMICRON. OR MAYBE ANDERSON OR TARANTINO OR…” scratched out in red paint at the center.

“I’ve cracked this thing wide open,” rasped Spielberg, spewing acrid breath into our faces. “You just know Tim Burton creates viruses all day long in his parents’ basement. Or was Bridge of Spies not center-justified enough for you, WES? I tried. I tried to use as much symmetrical composition, hand-made art direction, and limited color palettes as I could. I TRIED!”

The Medal of Freedom-winning director’s rabid scrawlings also included Martin Scorsese, Peter Jackson, and/or the rotting corpse of Stanley Kubrick as possible perpetrators of a conspiracy to screw over West Side Story’s box office performance. Somewhat unsettled, we left Spielberg to his babblings and Ubered to Wes Anderson’s house, which turned out to be a canoe floating in the middle of the Hollywood Reservoir.

“Why would I sabotage Steve? I, for one, have never been too concerned with box office returns. All my films have the mainstream appeal of New Years’ Resolutions: they’re a total drag, and peer pressure is the only reason you engage with them,” said Anderson, reeling in a spotted bass. He then pulled a stop-motion animation puppet of a fish out of his cargo shorts, caressed it, and stared into its plastic eyes for twenty-two consecutive minutes. “And if I were to create a disease to infect the globe, it would be TASTE.”

Tarantino, who we found participating in a children’s martial arts class, seemed more antagonistic towards Spielberg.

“No, I wouldn’t stoop that low. And by that, I mean I would only create a virus to screw with Scorsese or Nolan. Spielberg is artistically bankrupt. What’s Tony doing getting shot as a Disney princess sings show tunes over his dying body? Why was he not beheaded by an ethereal blonde?” asked Tarantino before being totally roundhoused by a nine-year-old girl. “Also, I think he’s actively killing Harrison Ford.”

As we deal with this developing story and its uncooperative subjects, The Broadway Beat would like to express thanks to director James Cameron, who just sent our offices a comforting gift.

“Really, really appreciate your coverage of that West Side Story Omicron conspiracy thing. To express my appreciation, I’d like to give The Broadway Beat staff free tickets for a really cool cruise.”