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  • Writer's pictureBroadway Beat

I Don’t Care What She Says; I’m Not Selling Kimberly Akimbo Booze

by James La Bella.

NEW YORK, NY - I am a man with high moral character, and I cannot in good conscience sell Seagram’s 7 to known high-schooler Kimberly Akimbo.

Look, I’m no square - hell, I let my nephew smoke what turned out to be a cigarette once - but I cannot lose this bartending job selling giggle juice to someone who still owes reading comprehension questions on Animal Farm. I know it’s gotta be tough being a teenager in an adult body, but jail is tougher and I should know. This is for both of our goods.

I don’t care how many times this spunky teen claims her body would process whisky like an adult; my body processes not wanting to lose my liquor license for serving another minor. (And before you ask, it was that kid from Big.)

It’s becoming evident that this spitfire will say just about anything to get the happy sap, too. She claims to be a shoe-in for the Tony. Uh…okay? My boss Tony is gonna flatten my grapes if I’m too loose with the juice again. Scram, kid!

Listen, I’m not saying that there’s no rule-bending on the Great Wet Way.

Annie definitely snuck some suds on those Great Depressive streets. Oliver…I mean look at the kid. (Hang your head in shame, City Center.) I’d say the Newsies were sneaking it, but come on, how long are we gonna pretend those fellas weren’t all 25? I just don’t buy it. This, however, is a bridge too far. Akimbo, it’s time for you to go watch the Mario movie or whatever young people do.

Oh great, here comes Tony. He’s asking why I’m not serving the nice lady. This is so classic Tony. He’s…not believing me? Classic Tony. I hope he’s ready for a world of- wait, did Kimberly Akimbo just do a shot and flip me the bird? Sheesh. It’s cold, but I can’t help but respect it. That’s punk.


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