• Broadway Beat

Score! Patti LuPone’s House Giving Out Full-Size Packs of Marlboro Blacks and Also She Curses at You

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

KENT, Conn. - Nice! For Halloween this year, Patti Lupone’s house is the friggin’ jackpot; she’s the only house on the block giving out full-size packs of unfiltered Marlboro black menthols, and as if that weren’t sweet enough, she’ll also yell a long-winded string of curses right at you, stuffed sources confirmed.


“I really love going all out for the kids,” noted LuPone while grabbing the phaser off a child’s Buzz Lightyear costume and snapping it in half because she thought it was a cell phone. “That one year where we were away was disappointing. I had to leave out a bucket of single cigars and a prerecorded tape of insults, but it just lacked the same luster.”


Neighborhood kids, many of whom know to show up before Ms. LuPone’s ready in order to get the most sincere string of insults, were excited to hit up her house for this year’s festivities.


“Her place is the best! One year they had a whole haunted house setup in her garage - I mean, it was just her popping out from behind mannequins belting songs from War Paint, but still, pretty fucking raw,” noted neighbor Danny Rellen, laying out multiple costumes so he can hit up the house a number of times. “Last year someone egged her house, so now that kid gets Reese’s or something. Chump.”


Still, not every neighbor was as thrilled by the go-to nature of Patti’s domicile.

“Why can’t she give out puppies like Bernadette Peters, or big, extravagant hats like Billy Porter,” questioned local parent Genevieve Christopherson while attempting to get her 11-year old son to quit smoking the pack he’s been chipping away at since last year. “How is this more affordable than candy? Doesn’t she get tired from the seemingly non-stop barrage of cussing that she dishes out from sundown to sunup? Why do I live near so many Broadway stars? These are all good questions.”


At press time, kids living in the neighborhood of stage legend Betty Buckley were also treated to free cigarettes and a barrage of curses, after which Ms. Buckley learned that it’s Halloween.