• Broadway Beat

Local Middle School’s New Theatre Budget Technically Makes It World’s 56th Largest Military

by Grant Cleaveland. @cleaveland_g.

UTICA, NY - Auburn Middle School’s theatre director Sandra Vaughn announced an impressive new budget for the program this Monday, marking the dawn of its reign as the world’s 56th largest military.


“A most glorious sun has risen over our once feeble theater,” claimed Vaughn, who’s also the English teacher. “All will know of the shining palace that is the Auburn Alpaca’s Auditorium. Mankind will cower to the glittering brilliance of our rented costume pieces. The world will tremble at the gargantuan might of our Seussical Junior!


Kyle Caldwell, the school’s principal, is frankly perplexed by the whole situation.


“When Sandra told us she wanted Seussical Jr. to be a quality production, I didn’t think she meant military grade,” Caldwell told us while rubbing the shiny red bald spot on top of his head. “If the character Mayzie is a bird then why does she need an AH-64 Apache attack helicopter? Do we need underwater demolition training for every Who in Whoville? And what the hell is a heat-seeking Wickersham brother?!”


Lloyd Austin, the United State’s Secretary of Defense, is keeping a close eye on the situation.


“We have no evidence at this time to suggest Auburn Middle School’s theatre program is a national security risk,” stated Austin from inside an invisible aircraft circling above the school. “They don’t appear to have a wealth of oil, so we won’t send in any troops on the ground. However, the United States will continue to monitor the situation and intervene if we deem necessary. We haven’t ruled out the nuclear option.”


Auburn Middle School’s theatre program is now the largest in the country, as long as it maintains a stable relationship with the capitalist oligarchy next door. In foreign affairs, it is rumored that Russia is developing an equally powerful Moana Jr.