by Katie Toledo. @kxtietoledo.
NEW YORK, NY – With audiences clamoring for the upcoming transfer of West End’s sexy, slutty reimagining of the beloved classic Cabaret, The Broadway Beat is thrilled to deliver an exclusive announcement that after its initial kickoff led by Gayle Rankin and Eddie Redmayne, Broadway’s next Sally Bowles is… the girl reading this :)
“You see, after having such a successful run of widely-known performers taking up the mantle on the West End, we thought it was time to spice things up with someone… well… lesser known,” claimed the show’s casting director, setting their phone down after being sent to Maude Apatow’s voicemail for a fourth time in a row.
And you sure earned it, gorgeous. Who could resist someone with such talent, such poise, such excellent taste in satire publications?
That’s right, you little minx! You better strap on those Annie Can Can Laducas and get to Ripley Grier. All those drunk cigarettes you swore would stop after college have finally paid off! The next it-girl to splash on the boozy nightclub singer’s signature green nail polish is none other than the beautiful reader of this very article. Willkommen to the land of the booked and blessed, babygirl.
The decision comes as a shock to everyone except your mother, who has been flooding your friends and neighbors Facebook timelines with comments.
“I always knew my baby’s Broadway debut was only a matter of time, ever since they were in their middle school Seussical. You could tell none of those other little bitches (alternative: kids) understood what it meant to be a real Bird Girl.”
With such a striking resemblance to the beautiful and tragic character herself, it’s no wonder why casting chose your unparalleled talents. Only someone with your unique skillset could truly embody the joie de vivre of a young performer clinging to her youth in a worsening sociopolitical landscape. And you look so good when you cry while you sing.
Girl, what are you still doing here? We said it’s showtime! Put down the knitting, the book, and the stack of household items you’ve been using to prop up your phone for self-tapes. The Kit Kat Klub has a prairie oyster and vial of stage cocaine with your name on it.