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Report: All Musicals To Just Be “Ragtime” Instead For The Fourth of July

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.


WASHINGTON D.C. - Government officials reported today that all musicals nationwide - including everything from Broadway to regional to living room sing-alongs - would switch to the 1996 quintessentially American musical Ragtime for 24 hours, in honor of Independence Day.


“Our show isn’t very American, so I guess the law kind of makes sense,” notes Beetlejuice director Alex Timbers. “Rather than have Beetlejuice eat a red, white and blue caterpillar or some shit, we’re just gonna do Ragtime. We’ll have the same cast, costumes and set - but other than that, Ragtime. Happy Fourth.”


The musical, which features appearances from American historical figures such as Booker T. Washington and Henry Ford, is also the subject of a last minute swap by lesser established productions.


“The kids worked really hard all semester on their production of Annie Get Your Gun, but today we’re gonna do Ragtime instead,” notes Weston Fields High School drama director Angelica Cullen. “While Annie is fairly American, it just wouldn’t be right to celebrate our independence. I mean, we only have a few hours to learn Ragtime, so it’ll be really bad - but isn’t it the effort that counts? Isn’t that what being American is all about? No, seriously, I’m asking. This makes no sense.”


Terence McNally, the shows famed writer and scribe of other classic fare such as The Full Monty and Kiss of the Spider Woman, had his own thoughts in the shift.


“Finally!” he said while collecting his things from the White House lawn. “I’ve been supporting this movement for years. Everyone should celebrate the Fourth of July properly. For some, that’s hot dogs and fireworks, and for others it’s a time of reflection and family, but for the theatre folks, it should mean performing MY show in its entirety, no matter how poorly rehearsed. Just do Ragtime instead of your show.”


At press time, producers of the Broadway musical King Kong we’re struggling to get the big King Kong puppet into the designated Harry Kendall Thaw costume, but adding that they would not stop trying, for if they are not able to get that big monkey in the suit and tie, they would be guilty of treason and sentenced to death.