by Caleb Damschroder. @damncaleb.
Helen Hayes once said, “Age is not important, unless you’re cheese.” But sometimes cheese is what’s served up when the theatre gods deliver us a production of Peter Pan that leaves us wondering whether Wendy is studying for her Algebra exam before the matinee, or dropping off her eldest son at soccer practice.
So, the next time you’re suspicious that Annie might be going out for martinis instead of milkshakes after the curtain goes down, take our trusty quiz to help clarify: child actor, or just short?
When you sneak backstage and check their purse, do you find:
A: What purse? It’s a caboodle!
B: Fish Oil and Melatonin
When you ask for their autograph at the stage door, do they sign with:
A: A multi-color squiggle pen
B: A free pen from TD Bank for taking out a Home Equity Loan
When you catch a glimpse of them outside before the show, are they lighting up:
A: The world with their braces-laden smile
B: A Virginia Slim
When you visit their dressing room, do you find posters of:
A: Timothée Chalamet
B: Timothée Chalamet
When you hear them throwing a tantrum backstage, is it about:
A: Not being able to eat chicken fingers in costume
B: The bathroom being out of Lavender SoftSoap© again
When you rifle through the Playbill at intermission, is their last name:
A: Anything other than Keenan-Bolger
B: Keenan-Bolger
If you got mostly A’s, you’re likely looking at a real Daisy Eagan.
If you got mostly B’s, you’re likely looking at the someone who’s still paying off that BFA.