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Finally, Dude! Patrick Page Agrees to Stop Making Voice Deeper Just to Impress Crush

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.



NEW YORK, NY - It’s about time, man! Tony-nominee Patrick Page has agreed to finally stop making his voice deeper just to impress his crush, relieved sources have confirmed.


“I just thought she’d take me more seriously if I had a deeper voice. You know, think I was tough and cool,” noted Page, whose real voice isn’t particularly high or anything, just normal. “It hasn’t worked yet, so back to square one. Can anyone teach me how to do a dabbing? I’ll let you use the VR headset I got for my birthday.”


While some fans were surprised to hear that the bellow of Mr. Page wasn’t his true timbre, many insiders were eagerly awaiting this day.


“Oh my god it was soooo cringe,” noted Page’s Broadway Hadestown co-star André De Shields, recording a TikTok dance to audio from his turn in Death of a Salesman. “Bro would act super sketch all the time, going for that ‘just-woke-up-and-also-can’t-be-heard-by-most-dogs’ voice. It’s like… just be real fam. You don’t hear me changing my voice - and my voice doesn’t sound like anybody’s ever has, ever!”


Still, some were legitimately impressed by Page’s - as he puts it - “R-Rated Movie Attendee” voice.


“That voice was so sick, everyone wanted to eat lunch with him,” claimed the legendary James Earl Jones, who kept insisting we get a doctor to examine his vocal cords and confirm he isn’t faking. “It’s a bummer to learn he was just pretending in order to get a date, but hey, aren’t mistakes like these what growing up is about?”


At press time, Page found that his crush actually likes him too, but not for his deep voice… but for him.

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