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Sad: Pandemic Forces Sara Bareilles Back Into Job at Diner

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

SMALL TOWN, Ind. - You hate to see it. Pandemic conditions have sadly forced Tony-nominated and Grammy-winning singer songwriter Sara Bareilles back into her job as a waitress at the local Joe’s Diner, disheartened sources confirmed.

“It’s unfortunate. She really had a bright future, but this pandemic has knocked down even the toughest of the tough,” noted fellow Joe’s server Dawn, whose husband Ogie played a prominent role in the January 6th insurrection. “She seems to be hanging around this new doctor a bunch though, so maybe he can get her back on her feet. As long as he doesn’t try to give her the vaccine.” She then went on for, like, 40 minutes about the vaccine.

Bareilles previously waited tables at the diner in 2017, before returning to her part-server, part-pie savant position in 2020. She even spent some time serving in London, although we believe instead of “waitress”, the legal term there is “waiting staff”. Bareilles’ Peacock series Girls5Eva was, sadly, not enough to keep her out of the blue uniform, with her co-star Renée Elise Goldsberry offering words of support for the multi-hyphenate.

“Sara can do it all - sing, act, write - but there’s just one thing she can’t seem to nail: getting me that iced tea refill I asked for like 15 minutes ago,” noted Goldberry, who showed up for a rehearsal of Bareillies return to food service for “support” and also “it was lunchtime”. “I’m proud of her, even if the diner looks a little bit smaller than last time. Specifically 11 seats smaller.”

The diner - which had coincidentally shuttered its doors right before the pandemic - is sadly expected to close again for good in January of 2022. The owner, Joe, who may or may not be a ghost, weighed in on the back-and-forth.

“Now, more than ever, people want to experience food. They’ve been missing out on food for so long, so we thought it would be an incredible opportunity to bring diner food fans a very special eating experience featuring a beloved server in Sara,” said Joe, clearly going senile. “And hey, even after we close for good, you can always listen to the Official Chef’s Recording.”

At press time, Bareilles made her intentions clear to only stay at the job through October 17th, with rumors swirling that her time waiting tables will be immortalized in a filmed version of the diner’s day-to-day, which is, by all accounts, creepy. She will likely be succeeded by either someone with several years of waiting experience, or by someone who has never waited tables before but was on a reality show.


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