Olympic Rush Seats Located in That Little Hole in the Ground Where Pole Vault Goes

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

PARIS - In an effort to increase ticket accessibility for this year's Olympic games, the Olympic committee has announced that a limited amount of rush seats will be available each day, all located in those little holes where the pole vault goes.

“The seats are pretty dangerous, but hey, affordable entertainment is always gonna have a few catches,” noted theatre fan Adam Hullberry, who lined up at 4am wearing a Les Mis beret. “The seat isn’t so bad. It’s an obstructed view for most of the competition, until the moment where the pole vault lands right in your face. Then it’s almost too unobstructed. It feels like trying to see ensemble choreography from the front row. There’s definitely more legroom than a Broadway theater, though.”

The line for these life-threatening-but-still-cheap tickets wrapped around the corner, with many people humming their favorite Simone Biles quotes. Still, some fans were disappointed by the seats, which, again, are literally in a ditch.

“I just wish we were able to see the other events,” noted ticket-holder Elisabeth Canon, who sadly kept asking where the stage door was. “You could kinda see the swimming on one of the big screens, but the glare from the sun made it hard to see. Plus if you closed your eyes for too long, you were in danger of getting pole vaulted. Every time you thought the pole vaults were done it was like, nope, here’s another pole vault.”

The Olympic committee - wearing painted-on smiles like The Joker - weighed in on the controversial seating.

“Live events are ten times better with fans. We’re glad we could accommodate even a small crowd with affordable tickets to this many-times-in-a-lifetime event,” noted International Olympic Committee President Thomas Bach, before revealing that the weird creature during the opening ceremony wasn't not Joel Grey. “We’re hoping they let us add more rush seats in other locations - such as on top of the hurdles, or at the bottom of the pool. We’d give them a scuba tank, of course. We’re not insane!”

At press time, the committee was desperately trying to approve $850 “premium” seats to the event, which they confirmed were just normal seats in the stands, but with very little threat of getting pole vaulted. The seats include a discount on the event’s $19 wine, a poster signed by the athletes, and you don’t get pole vaulted.