Olympic Rush Seats Located in That Little Hole in the Ground Where Pole Vault Goes
by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
TOKYO - Despite initial reports that spectators would not be allowed at this year’s Olympic games in Tokyo, a limited amount of rush seats have been released, reportedly all located in those little holes where the pole vault goes, sources confirmed.
“The seats are pretty dangerous, but hey, affordable entertainment is always gonna have a few catches,” noted theatre fan Adam Hullberry, who, after a year without live entertainment, jumped at the opportunity to buy a rush seat to absolutely anything. “The seat isn’t so bad. It’s an obstructed view for most of the competition, until the moment where the pole vault lands right in your face. Then it’s almost too unobstructed. It feels kind of like trying to see ensemble choreography from the front row. There’s definitely more legroom than a Broadway theater, though.”
The line for these life-threatening-but-still-cheap tickets wrapped around the corner, with many people humming their favorite Simone Biles quotes. Still, some fans were disappointed by the seats, which, again, are literally in a ditch.
“I just wish we were able to see the other events,” noted ticket-holder Elisabeth Canon, who sadly kept asking where the stage door was. “You could kind of see the swimming on one of the big screens, but the glare from the sun made it hard to see. But if you closed your eyes for too long, you were in danger of getting pole vaulted. They were relentless. Every time you thought the pole vaults were done it was like, nope, here’s another pole vault.”
The Olympic committee - wearing painted-on smiles like The Joker - weighed in on the controversial seating.
“Live events are ten times better with fans. We’re glad we could accommodate even a small crowd with affordable tickets to this twice-in-a-lifetime event,” noted International Olympic Committee President Thomas Bach, who’s no stranger to putting peoples’ lives at risk in exchange for money. “We’re hoping they let us add more rush seats in other locations - such as on top of the hurdles, or at the bottom of the pool. We’d give them a scuba tank, of course. We’re not insane!”
At press time, the committee was desperately trying to approve $850 “premium” seats to the event, which they confirmed were just normal seats in the stands, but with very little threat of getting pole vaulted. The seats include a discount on the event’s $19 wine, a poster signed by the athletes, and you don’t get pole vaulted.