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New CDC Social Distancing Guideline Recommends Remaining One “Hunky Gaston Bicep” Apart at All Times

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

WASHINGTON D. C. - The Center for Disease Control issued a new guideline this morning recommending that, instead of remaining six feet apart from one another at all times, citizens should now remain at least one big, hunky Gaston bicep apart instead, the organization confirmed.

“Germs can spread via cough, sneeze or spit very easily,” noted CDC researcher Frances Bellwill. “We’ve come to realize that ‘six feet’ may be confusing, so you all may now use a measurement that’s a little easier to maneuver: Just one of Gaston’s huge, bumpy, brawny arm muscles is enough distance to keep everyone safe. And it should be easy, because as you see, he’s got biceps to spare,” she added before pointing to a chart featuring multiple photos of the cartoon Frenchman flexing.

National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Disease director Anthony Fauci also shared the pressing new advice.

“Oh yeah, one of those thick, rippling masses is definitely enough,” noted the revered physician. “It’s the perfect measurement. In fact, once this is over, they might have to change the song lyrics. ‘No one's slick as Gaston, no one's quick as Gaston, no one's neck's as incredibly thick as Gaston’ - and nobody protects against highly contagious, droplet-transferred diseases like Gaston.”

Some locals are already abiding by the guideline.

“I was in the store today, and some people were just getting too close for comfort,” noted local man Chris Tanno. “So, naturally, I started chanting ‘Give five hurrahs, give twelve hip-hips, Gaston is the best, and the rest is all drips’ and they got the message. I think using Gaston’s monstrous, quivering, pure concrete arm stones is gonna really make everyone feel a lot more comfortable.

At press time, the CDC was looking to issue other Disney-inspired guidelines, such as washing your apples to make sure they’re not “poison”, and avoiding sea witches who may want to steal your voice - not specifically due to fear of coronavirus, but just in general, cause that’s fucked up.


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