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"Network" Star Bryan Cranston To Be Replaced by Your Drunk, Republican Uncle; No Changes Expected

by Edward Precht. @PertoltPrecht.

BELASCO THEATER, NY – It’s official: Bryan Cranston is stepping down from his leading role in Broadway’s Network. In a statement released earlier today, the Tony Award-winning actor announced he would be taking a long-needed break from his role as Howard Beale – an irate ex-anchor and self-described prophet, who blasts the consumerist ideology of news outlets and media in general. Starting next week, he is to be replaced by your drunk, Republican uncle.


“Right from the start, we knew he was the perfect fit.” Mr. Cranston said, “Howard Beale is a tragic character. He’s an, an angry man, and he turns into this sort of fire-and-brimstone opponent of the fakeness of social media outlets, but he kind of, you know, unwittingly becomes this mouthpiece for that same fakeness. I don’t think anyone can play that, can be that, better than your drunk, Republican uncle.”


Your uncle, best known for his role as the Guy Who Keeps Ruining Thanksgiving, has been described as the ideal replacement for Mr. Cranston. A known opponent of “fake news” outlets like, quote, “CNN, The Times, or those fucks on The View,” he is nevertheless a strong supporter of FOX News, hypocritically-so, often ranting about how the media “isn’t telling the whole truth” at family functions or his nephew’s soccer games.


Your uncle was discovered – and hired on the spot – when he wandered into the theater one night, wearing nothing but a bathrobe and some dirty boxers, mumbling something about his “bitch of an ex-wife, Deborah.”


“We’re all going to miss Bryan, obviously. But your uncle, man,” said Tatiana Maslany, who plays the cold-blooded producer Diana Christensen, “He’s got the spark. He became that character. He is Howard Beale, you know? He’s got something Bryan…” At which point she stared longingly, almost regretfully, out the window. “None of us have.” Behind her, co-star Tony Goldwyn shook his head, muttering “None of us have” under his breath.


No changes are expected to be made to the production, despite your uncle not going to a single rehearsal, or having even received a script. As director Ivo Van Hove put it, “We just sort of let him go crazy up there. He’s basically saying the same stuff, line by line.”