• Broadway Beat

Mouth Currently Eating Hearty Beef Chili Temporarily Closes, Announces Plan to Reopen for Next Bite

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

NEW YORK, NY - Local man Jeremy Curl’s mouth - currently taking in copious amounts of smoky, hearty beef chili - has announced it will close temporarily to finish the most recent bite, with plans to reopen around the time of the next bite, the sauced-covered face hole confirmed.


“It just makes the most sense given the current climate. I mean, I’m not gonna chew with my mouth open,” said Curl, who apparently has no problem talking with food in his mouth. “We’re thrilled by this chunky, spicy beef stew, and are excited to reopen and welcome even more into my fucking gullet once I finish this spoonful. We may even have some fun surprises in store - like a bite of cornbread.”


The mouth joins several other nearby mouths - including that of a woman enjoying a turkey and brie sandwich, and a polite cow eating cud - in their plans to temporarily shut and later reopen. Still, sources report that the surety of the mouths reopening is not set in stone.


“There’s no telling whether or not they’ll actually be able to open for the next bite. I mean, what if they get full?” questioned local, uh, “chewing fan” Beatrice Pilser. “We’re living in an unpredictable world. Even the most peckish muzzle is at risk. All we can do is take things one hot, melty bite of thin crust pizza at a time. Hopefully we’ll be back to eight pizzas a week in no time.”


Several human mouths have taken this opportunity to embrace alternative forms of mashing around their caloric intake.


“It’s all about streaming - and by that I mean the stream of a liquid diet,” said the mouth of local teacher Penelope Sandsimm, promising that “streaming” is just about as good as chewing the food “in-mouth”. “This smoothie costs $60, which might be a lot for one person, but if you split it among four people, it makes a lot of sense.”


At press time, many food fans were eagerly awaiting notice of when exactly the next generous bite of meat & bean slop would be ingested, with many holding onto their tickets for when the next bite is announced. Wait, tickets? What the fuck?