by Paige Oberholtzer.
NEW YORK, NY - Long time NBA fan Bret Markowitz gave a scathing review of the new Broadway jukebox show MJ the Musical, criticizing it for its inaccurate portrayal of basketball legend Michael Jordan’s life, and instead a bunch of random songs and dances by some dude named Michael Jackson.
“I haven’t been this disappointed since Jordan tried baseball,” frowned Markowitz as he bounced a regulation ball against the theatre door. “I mean, this shit was nothing like Michael Jordan’s actual life. Where were the layups? The dunks?! Come to think of it, I don’t think anyone was even wearing a jersey! No Nikes, just tap shoes. The reviews said it was an MJ experience, but the closest thing they got to that was a backup dancer who KIND OF looked like Scottie Pippin.”
Patti Harget, longtime girlfriend of Markowitz and Buzzfeed quiz enjoyer, also had gripes - more-so for her boyfriend.
“I kept trying to tell him this was never about basketball,” noted Harget while wiping her tear-stained shoulder. “At first, he couldn’t stop crying. He thinks 'portraying Michael Jordan like that' is some kind of crime. I don’t even think he knows who Michael Jackson is, which is super concerning. I showed him some MJ songs and he angrily dismissed it, saying he was ripping off Weird Al? Let’s just say, I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”
Bryce Stapleton, an Usher at the Neil Simon Theatre, was also asked to comment.
“This is the first time in the theatre’s history we had to escort an angry sobbing grown man out of a show for heckling Michael Jackson,” said Stapleton, while adding too much product to his hard head of hair. “He kept loudly begging the dancers to dunk, and screamed at the actor playing MJ, ‘You’ll never be him!’ . I urge him to look at the man in the mirror, or get some kind of psychiatric help.”
Markowitz also went on record saying he plans on consoling himself by rewatching Space Jam 23 times in a row, to further honor both Michael Jordan and his jersey number simultaneously.