by Justin Ayer. @JustinAyer (Twitter), @JustAyer (Instagram).
NEW YORK, NY - Midtown Manhattan found itself overwhelmed Saturday morning by flocks of fans of Broadway’s Mean Girls, with groups dressed as the infamous Plastics in their iconic “Jingle Bell Rock” scene from the movie turned musical and oh wait we just realized it’s SantaCon, oh God.
“I like being a sexy Santa,” said Alice Turley, an intoxicated young woman from Long Island. “It’s fun to dress up and bar hop and be asleep by 3pm,” said the young woman who kept screaming “where’s Dylan? He has my juul,” when we asked about her favorite song from the musical.
A group of costumed fans were asked who was the Cady, Gretchen, Karen, or Regina in their squad.
“I’m gonna fucking kill Jenna,” said Constance McGinnis, a Pre-Med student at Columbia. “She said she would wait for me when I went to pee in the 7-11 and then she left. I’m gonna kill her. No, no, I love her. She’s my best friend. You’re so beautiful,” she added before squatting and crying.
After The Broadway Beat confirmed it was indeed SantaCon and not a flash mob tribute to the beloved, Tony nominated musical, our dedicated journalists approached Ground Zero for today’s event: Penn Station.
“My daughter just saw a Santa throwing up on the street and asked what was wrong with him,” said Dereck Cunningham, a father of three who just wanted to take his daughters to see the Rockefeller Center Christmas tree. “At first I obviously thought this was some kind of ‘Mean Girls’ musical tribute, but now I see this is far more sinister. Is there a God?”
At press time, our staff was seeking shelter at a local Au Bon Pain, where there doesn’t seem to be any Santa’s in si-oh God they’re coming, oh my God they’re here. Please, somebody, help us. I beg of you. Is there a God?