by Garrett Brown. @garrettbrownproductions.
NEWARK, NJ – Local theatre enthusiast Jacob Appleton appeared to be in shock after realizing that his rush to reach the bathroom had instigated a standing ovation for a local production of Romeo and Juliet.
“I wasn’t going to be the person who walked out of the theatre during the big death scene” Appleton claimed as he zipped up his fly and moved to wash his hands in the sink of the men's room. “I just turned fifty, and my bladder was killing me even before Friar Lawrence proposed faking Juliet’s death. Right at the curtain, I beelined for the bathroom: everyone else began standing and I ran faster, because I certainly couldn’t wait in line!”
Audience member Ashley Duncan was astonished and angry to hear that Appleton had just been intending to relieve himself.
“I personally thought the show was not that good,” Duncan exclaimed as she crumpled the program and ally-ooped it into the trash. “I was going to just sit and clap politely, but then as soon as the lights went down the man in front of me rocketed up, so I assumed I had to join in or I would look like a real asshole. Now I feel stupid, because I feel like I was tricked into rewarding mediocrity.”
Stacy Yi, the actress portraying Juliet, appeared to be thankful for Appleton’s inability to hold his urine.
“I’m going to be honest, we were shit tonight,” she groaned as she took a huge hit of her vape. “I’m still hungover, and I was just going to be happy if I managed to not throw up all over Romeo during the balcony scene. But then the crowd started standing and clapping anyway.” Yi took another hit from her vape, paused for a moment, then resumed. “Maybe there’s a lesson to be learned here? About preparing and making sure not to rely on a deus ex machina to bail me out? I’m too high to figure that out”
After thoroughly washing his hands, Jacob Appleton was heard telling anyone who would listen about how he would change his behavior and not purchase the 64 oz refillable soda during intermission in the future.