"Not Relevant Anymore": Dramaturg Finds Zero Shakespearean References to "Tony Hawk's Pro Skater"
by Rebecca Wild.
JERSEY CITY, NJ - Berry Lane Community College professor and self-proclaimed “cool, hip dramaturg” Elissa Campbell has made a shocking claim regarding the lack of relevancy in William Shakespeare’s work - specifically, its glaring lack of references to Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater, Campbell confirmed.
“I know the kids were really excited to start rehearsals for Hamlet, but every time I read through the script, I can’t help feeling like it’s missing something,” noted Campbell, while replacing her classroom bulletin board with a longboard. “Wouldn’t it be cooler if, instead of moping around when his dad died, Hamlet did a casper flip over his body while ‘Superman’ by Goldfinger played in the background? When characters wipe out in Shakespeare’s plays, they don’t even come back. Tony Hawk one… Shakespeare zero.”
Andrew Castillo and Kate Cesar, two of Mrs. Campbell’s students who strongly object to being called “kids”, were quick to comment on this unorthodox announcement.
“I honestly didn’t mind the lack of Tony Hawk references in Hamlet,” noted Castillo, who was clearly distracted by Mrs. Campbell shouting at her PlayStation in the next room. “I kind of think it’s always going to be relevant no matter what, since people will be conspiring to murder their lame step-dads way into the future.”
Cesar dug deeper into Campbell’s claims of irrelevancy.
“Mrs. Campbell is way too hung up on this Tony Hawk thing,” added Cesar, eyeing the new set of helmets being added to the costume rack. “She’s obsessed, but she’s not necessarily wrong. The closest I could find to a Tony Hawk reference in the play is when Hamlet’s like, ‘I can tell a hawk from a handsaw’, but according to Google that has nothing to do with the skateboarding guy, and basically just means that someone knows what’s up. Which is kind of ironic given the place Mrs. Campbell seems to be right now”.
At press time, Mrs. Campbell continued to defend her position.
“At least Tony Hawk knows what his audience wants. He released nineteen sequels to his game. I have yet to see Shakespeare release even one. I mean, there was Richard II and Richard III, but they weren’t even about the same guy”.
Expect further updates soon as Mrs. Campbell continues her crusade for a gnarlier theater experience, as well as her upcoming project of “improving” next semester’s production of Carousel with the choreo from Just Dance 2020.