by Emmy Pratt. @gimmieemmy.
CHICKASHA, OK - Joe Exotic, the eclectic subject of the smash Netflix doc series Tiger King: Murder Mayhem and Madness, attended his first rehearsal for Grady County Jail’s production of Cats this week, only to take the mercenary route of selling Judy Haas, the actress playing Victoria, for 5,000 USD, sources confirmed.
“Joe has only been in the cast for one day and he has already caused unprecedented mayhem,” claimed GCJ creative director for their Jailhouse Playhouse program, Janet Roman. “Along with selling our triple-threat kitten woman to an underground big cat operation, he has also manipulated the inmate playing Skimbleshanks into providing him sexual favors in exchange for supporting his catnip habit.”
Exotic, the musical mystic behind ‘I Saw a Tiger’ and ‘Here Kitty Kitty’, had a few choice words on how this musical was being run.
“I sold Victoria not because I needed the money, but as a way to protest what that bitch director cast me as,” noted Exotic. “She told me I was ‘Maldonado the Abusive Mullet Cat’, which is just a made-up role. It’s bullshit! None of this would’ve ever happened if I had just sent Carole Baskin to the Heaviside Layer myself. Who needs Old Deuteronomy when you’ve got a .45 and Google Earth?”
Craig Gray, the man playing Rum Tum Tugger and a coincidental amputee due to a tragic Peter Pan accident, is shocked by Exotics’ actions.
“Joe doesn’t understand that in theatre, paying your dues doesn’t mean literally paying with your cat dealing money,” said Gray. “It means that you suck up the fact that you’re in the ensemble and don’t engage in trafficking the dance captain - under any circumstances.”
At press time, Exotic has taken the second rehearsal for the show hostage, stating that he’ll ensure Victoria’s safe return in exchange for $10,000 and the coveted role of Mr. Mistoffelees. The Grady County Jail’s guards report they are currently unfit to handle such an unpredictable enigma as Exotic, and are considering bringing in the National Guard to handle the situation as soon as they themselves finish watching the Netflix series as “prep work”.