Help! Pasek and Paul Broke Into My House and Won’t Leave Until I Learn to Love Myself
by Emmy Pratt. @gimmiemmy.
QUEENS, NY - Help! Pasek and Paul, the visionary musical minds behind such hits as Dear Evan Hansen, La La Land, and The Greatest Showman, have taken a break from composing for the upcoming live-action Snow White film by breaking into my home and holding me hostage until I find the beauty in who I truly am.
“The world can really get you down sometimes, telling you to be ashamed of your differences,” noted songwriter Justin Paul, with one hand on the baby grand in my living room, and the other clutching a revolver. “Maybe we’re all just a bunch of freaks - just like Rose Fenny, Evan Hansen, Giant Fruit Dwelling Bug People, and Zendaya. If you don’t start seeing that your quirks are what make you special, you’ll never be on the outside always looking in to anywhere, because we won't let you leave.”
Benj Pasek, the lyricist of the duo, took a different rhetorical approach to attempt to extricate my hubris.
“If you want to leave your house you will do what I say. You will present us with inspiration for 5,800 empowering musical numbers,” stated Pasek firmly, even though I told him four times I have to get to work. “5000 will be in 4/4 time and 800 will be in ¾ time. Whether you leave your house or not is completely in your hands. If you are scared to be seen by the world or make any apologies for who you are inside, you will be shot on sight.”
Daniel Shay, my roommate and a 34-year-old financial advisor who used to think theatre people were fine, is appalled by the composer's demands.
“I tried to tell these guys that I’m in therapy and am working on my mental health problems, but they’ll have none of it,” noted Shay, who also really has to get to work. “They also keep telling me I just might be ‘a little bit plump and juicy’? This isn’t helping my self esteem at all, which makes me think they’re gonna be here for a long time.”
After 27 hours and non-stop reassurance that we “are enough”, my roommate managed to escape through the dog door. I think I may be able to escape next, as Pasek and Paul have become increasingly distracted while they draft a new song titled “I’m Unlimitedly Beautiful Breathing My Truth and Not To Mention a Star.”