by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.
NEW YORK, NY - The big… one? Stars of Broadway biggest hits - Hamilton, Wicked, and The Lion King - joined forces on Good Morning America this morning to announce that not only are they reopening this September, but they’re also just gonna be one show altogether now, the elated performers confirmed.
“Broadway needs something big, and what could be bigger than their three biggest shows joining forces for one show that only kind of doesn’t make any sense,” noted Wicked cast member Andrew St. Merca while trying to figure out if any giraffes ever had green skin. “A burger is great, bacon is great, cheese is great… but a bacon cheeseburger? That’s the stuff. And thats us.”
As many shows announce reopening dates following what will be an 18 month shutdown, many fans were eager to learn the fate of these three stage behemoths. Producers - all sitting in one big hot tub for some reason - walked us through the unexpected collaboration.
“It’s a globe-spanning, time traveling, multi-genre exploration of humanity’s ability to fight back against unprecedented odds,” noted producer Biz Lurtugg, honestly kind of convincing us with that line. “The warthog will rap, Elizabeth Schuyler will fly, and Dr. Dillamond? Well, he’s already an animal. This thing writes itself. It’s gonna be six hours long by the way.”
Still, many theatre fans were skeptical at the crossover event.
“I’m happy everyone’s getting back to work, but did they really have to combine ticket prices as well?” questioned Jessica Gilblatt, desperately trying to guess the show’s Frankestein-esque presale code. “I guess I could just log into three different Spotify accounts and listen to all three at the same time. Close enough."
At press time, Broadway was considering other profit-wielding crossover opportunities, such as an Aladdin and Grease collab where Greased Lightning is a flying carpet, or a Dear Evan Hansen and Come From Away crossover where the day Evan breaks his arm is also 9/11 for some reason.