“Definitely NOT a Hadestown” says Trump on Post-Presidential Project to Crowd Who Never Said It Was
by Mary Colussi. @marycolussi.
PALM BEACH, FL - On the road to hell, there was a press conference, where unemployed former government employee Donald Trump spoke about his next project, and assured everyone it will definitely not involve trapping young lovers into a capitalistic hell dimension, even though nobody suggested it would.
“We’re going to build the wall on the southern border, and by that I mean and have always meant the border between Mar-a-Lago and the rest of Florida,” wheezed Trump to reporters and three women all dressed the same, who were mistakenly identified as the Fates, but were in fact Melania and her body doubles. “No matter what the fake news media tells you, remember that this is definitely NOT a Hadestown type of thing, so let’s move on and talk about why we’re building the wall.”
One of the former president’s advisors, Keighleighey Miller, brushed off concerns during a follow-up press conference, after first confirming that her name is pronounced “Kayla.”
“There is no similarity between leftwing propaganda musical Hadestown and President Trump’s plan to put young Americans to work, for all of eternity,” announced Miller, following her boss’s lead of specifying to the point of causing distress. “For instance, in the show, Eurydice gets tricked into signing her soul away. In real life, everybody who works here knows that’s going to happen.”
However, Broadway critic Rufus Ambrose wasn’t convinced, either by Miller’s denials or Trump’s later call for “beautiful young women looking to start their careers far, far away from their deadbeat poet boyfriends.”
“The writing’s on the wall, and the stylish-yet-utilitarian leather overalls are in the closet,” said Ambrose, though he pointed out that escaping Mar-a-Lago may be easier than escaping Hadestown, since nobody who leaves the Trumpian Underworld looks back until they’re ready to write an image-burnishing memoir. “But if he starts interviewing trombonists, we’re in real trouble.”
Rumors aside, for now the only similarity between Donald Trump and King Hades is the fact that their wives only live with them for certain parts of the year, and even then only under duress.