• Broadway Beat

REPORT: It’s Not “Guys and Dolls", It’s "Guys and Action Figures”

by Chris Petraglia. @cpetraglia00.

PITTSBURGH - Local man Samuel Lee was heard this morning loudly claiming that the guys in Frank Loesser's beloved Guys and Dolls should not be playing with “dolls”, but rather some action figures, in order to be prepared for the “real world, where dawn doesn’t get turned on by an electrician, but my bedside lamp.”


“When I was a kid, we had no dolls. We would wake up, play with matches, run with scissors, and go to bed. I already contacted the National Musical Association and declared they change such a name,” noted Mr. Lee, unaware that the National Musical Association does not exist.


Mickey Dayton, who played Sky Masterson in the local school musical, visited Mr. Lee and tried to explain to him that there are no actual dolls in Guys and Dolls.


“Sir, there are no actual dolls in the musical, it’s just another name for the women in the show”, stated Dayton, making a huge mistake, seeing as the only thing Mr. Lee hates more than guys with dolls, is women. “There are no dolls, but you know what there is? Gambling. Gambling is fun, right?”


Local actor Ashlyn Barr, who Lee claimed is "more stuck up than mic tape" even though they've never met, visited Lee to negotiate nicely.


“There are no dolls in the musical, asshat!”, she said, sticking a knife into his table. "Do you think Little Shop of Horrors is about inflation?”


“Wait, it’s not? What else could be more horrifying than inflation?” responded Lee, accidentally making commentary on economic disparity, when really he just didn't know there was a giant plant in the show.


Lee also believes that the movie musical, Frozen, is a perfect display of global warming being a hoax.


“If global warming was real, Elsa would have never been able to create the ice palace," he said, completely ignoring the trolls and sentient talking snowman that also appear in the movie. But no, a lot of ice impossible.