by Ryan Danley. @isridiculous.
LONDON - In an attempt to give the home audience an authentic experience, The Shakespeare Globe Theatre announced today they will be requiring all viewers of their popular Livestream series to sit on the most uncomfortable piece of wood available, the group confirmed.
“During these troubling times, we have been very excited to provide some of our beloved plays to fans worldwide. But we felt viewers were missing out on the real Globe experience, and that includes sitting on benches that were designed in the torture exhibit at The Tower,” Says Camille Robinson, Director of Public Outreach for The Globe. “While we understand this may be hard for certain viewers, we will offer to rent you one of your couch cushions, if you would like.”
Abigail Baker, who plays Hotspur in the Globe’s recent Henry IV Part One, was overjoyed to hear the news.
“Listen, if you want to sit in a recliner and watch a play, The Globe ain't for you. Go patch into your local Community Theatre doing Oklahoma!,” said Baker via Skype. “Our motto is ‘if you can feel your legs in an hour, you can’t feel the emotion of this play’. If that bench design was good enough for Londoners in 1598, it’s going to be good enough for a lady with Cheeto dust on her fingers in Ohio. Who does Cheeto-dust women think she is? The Queen? Get the fuck out of here.”
The art world has overwhelmingly supported this brave decision. Archibald Reynolds, Oxford’s Director of Fine Arts, stressed the importance of taking such steps.
“You can see a play anywhere. But when you can barely walk after sitting for three hours on a plank of wood so wide that you can’t lean back or forward, you know you’ve seen a Globe play,” Mr. Reynolds explained. “Similarly, the Louvre will require you to have at least 300 people in your room before they will show you the Mona Lisa on their virtual tours. That artistic integrity is so critical in the modern digital world.”
At press time, Globe officials were unable for further comment, as they were utilizing this time to figure out how to make the virtual theatre somehow have more stairs.