“First Rule of Fight Choreo? Do Not Talk About Fight Choreo,” says Man Who Shouldn’t Be Teaching
by Brian Matuszak. @rchickentheater.
DULUTH, Minnesota - Duluth Community Theater’s new fight choreographer Durwood Tyler was introduced to the public today, not wasting any time announcing his intentions for the theater’s upcoming slate of shows and leading the public to immediately question whether or not he should be teaching anything at all.
“The first rule of fight choreo is that you do not talk about fight choreo,” said Tyler. “Fighting choreography is difficult, intricate, and fully confidential. All you bozos would never understand it. The second rule, do not talk about fight choreo. Third rule, tuck your shoulder on a table roll.”
DeeDee Hathaway, the Executive Director for the Duluth Community Theater, seemed embarrassed about the new hire.
“I know Mr. Tyler doesn’t seem to know what he’s talking about all of the time, but our hiring committee thought that was refreshing, to be honest,” noted Hathaway while scouring LinkedIn for replacements. “And to be even more honest, the theater had to spend this hiring grant for an instructor or we were going to have to pay it back. And I already reupholstered the balcony.”
Board president Thurston Bigley III, also addressed their new hire’s lack of qualifications.
“Frankly, I was against this hiring from the get-go,” sniffed Bigley. “All he put down on his resume were all these ridiculous rules for fight choreography.” When asked by reporters about some of the other rules, Bigley started to comment but was quickly shoved off the front of the stage and into the orchestra pit by Tyler.
“Again, we do NOT talk about fight choreo,” warned Tyler. “However, I am willing to be a bit vague and let you know that the fourth rule is only two ensemble members to a fight, fifth rule is one monologue at a time, and sixth rule is no codpieces or dance belts.” Tyler wrapped up the press conference by stage slapping himself five times, ripping off his shirt, and screaming that next year’s holiday production of The Nutcracker is going to be “lit as hell.”