written by Conor Moroney. @conorseamusactor.
AUSTIN, TX – Controversial billionaire entrepreneur Elon Musk will add producer to his resume by putting on a production of Arthur Miller’s classic Death of a Salesman while reframing the story as a warning about Biff Loman’s perceived “lack of hustle”.
“I read the play and felt for Willy Loman '' Musk said in a phone interview where it sounded like he was on a jetpack. “He had the grindset needed to make his dreams come true and to see that hustle thrown away on his favorite son is the tale this divided country must see.”
Marcus Segalla, the actor portraying Biff, spoke to us after meeting three miles from the theater so surveillance wouldn’t hear him.
“Well it certainly is a choice,” Segalla said as he was leaving the rehearsal room of the X Æ A-12 Performing Arts Center. “I was going to mention how Biff said Willy was a ‘hard working drummer who ended up in the ash can like everybody else’, but that whole section was completely omitted from the script. But I’ll just bite my tongue and stay on Elon’s good side. It’s better to be the guy on the PA system in the Lithium Mines than to actually work in them.”
Joseph Kirk, the conservative YouTuber tackling the legendary role of Willy Loman, took time from recording his 90 minute thesis on how Frozen promotes white genocide, to talk about the play.
“For a while I bought into what was Miller’s ‘original interpretation’,” Kirk said in a threatening tone, pushing the reporter into a corner. “But Elon, the man of genius that he is, has finally shown the American people that this play is not mere liberal [redacted]. Be a Willy! Not a Biff!”
Musk is anticipating the success of the show by having tickets sold a year in advance. While he is accepting all forms of payment, he is raising some eyebrows by paying his nonunion theatrical company in crypto, except for the actor playing Happy - who is getting a NFT of Musk flipping him off, proving once again that no one likes Happy.