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“Either! I Can Do Either!” Texts a Frantic John Larroquette to His Agent During Debate

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

NEW YORK, NY - Legendary stage and screen actor John Larroquette spent most of the first presidential debate frantically texting all of his agents phrases such as “either! I can do either of them!” in reference to portraying either Donald Trump or Joe Biden in any upcoming projects, the esteemed thespian confirmed.


“Seriously, what are we waiting for? There’s definitely something in the works about this - just get me in the room,” noted Larroquette while trying to decide whether to dye his hair either more white or a weird blond. “You need me to confidently smirk while my co-star speaks? You got it. You need me to ramble and angrily interrupt them? Bingo, baby. These are both heavy Larroquettes, and baby, to get the Larroquette, you need to get the Larroquette.”


His theatrical agent, Davey Quintock, claims to be doing everything in his power to get Larroquette one of the roles he covets.


“I’ve called everyone I know. Whether it’s a play, a miniseries, a Zoom reading, or even a puppet show - they gotta see my man for this,” stated Quintock while mocking up some posters that read “John Larroquette is” with a blank space under it. “I actually think it’s pretty ridiculous that [debate moderator] Chris Wallace didn’t, at one point, stop all that chaos and point out that Larroquette would kill either of those roles. It was a great disservice to the American public.”


However, not everyone within the industry was as supportive of Mr. Larroquette’s conquest.


“I’d act circles around that guy,” claimed actor Tom Skerritt while storming around the street where Larroquette lives, looking for his apartment number. “Larroquette thinks he’s the only weirdly double-qualified actor to be popped into whichever one of these roles are available? Get in line, buddy. I’ve already bought several suits and several additional, more poorly-fitting suits. My suit guy is sick of me.”


At press time, Larroquette and Skerritt were willing to compromise, planning a limited run stage adaptation of all upcoming debates in which they will alternate roles for each performance. Actor Denis Arndt, however, was last seen frantically texting his own agents in an attempt to be cast as their understudy.