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“Drunk Shakespeare” Spinoff “Crystal Meth and Bear with Knife Shakespeare” Closes After Six Minutes

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

NEW YORK, NY - The controversial and widely advised-against production of Crystal Meth and Bear with Knife Shakespeare, a spinoff production of the Off-Broadway comedy Drunk Shakespeare, has officially shuttered its doors after just six minutes of their first scheduled performance, terrified sources confirmed.


“Yeah, this was kind of a mess from the start,” said the show’s director, Lisa Jurat. “We wanted to up the ante and give audience members a more extreme experience. I see now, though, that giving every cast member meth instead of just getting one cast member drunk is overkill. I also don’t know why we gave the bear a knife or how she learned to use it so efficiently. This was just poor judgement all around.”


Cast members from the shortened performance, which featured screaming audience members and a mad rush for the door as soon as the curtain rose, were happy to weigh in.


“I’ve never done hard drugs before, but I figured it would be a new challenge,” noted cast member Danny Beretta. “In Drunk Shakespeare, one cast member gets drunk, and it’s just silly. Here, we all were high and fighting each other instead of doing anything Hamlet related. Do you know how hard it is to speak in iambic pentameter while stoned and running from a particularly capable bear with a knife? Because I do, and it’s going on my resume.”


One audience member spoke praises of the performance.


“I actually had a pretty good time,” noted tourist Hugh Pursimmit. “Yeah, the actors basically just screamed and didn’t do any Shakespeare stuff, and the bear stabbed the man next to me and also me a little. At one point a fire started and I swear I saw the bear sharpening the knife on a whetstone - she was that good with it. But honestly, it was still better than Tootsie.”


At press time, producers of the show were pausing plans for additional spinoffs such as Anesthesia and Snakes Beckett, as well as The Room Fills With Water Albee. Still, they’re hoping to recoup what they spent on drugs and bear knife lessons by taking the show on the road later this year, focusing on small towns with “little police presence” and hospitals within walking distance, as well as a bear sanctuary per the animal’s contract.