• Broadway Beat

Nation's Dogs Sent Spiraling In Response to Mariah Carey/Ariana Grande Duet

by Stephen Brower. @stephenbrower.

NEW YORK, NY - Following the release of Mariah Carey’s Magical Christmas Special on AppleTV+, many rejoiced in the songbird’s stratospheric whistle tone harmony with guest, Ariana Grande. The moment-turned-meme broke the internet, spreading holiday cheer to all but one community: Man’s BFF.


“It’s disgusting,” yapped local Corgi, Finneus St. Clair. “My dads, Chad and Steve, are addicted to it. They spend hours on their shared Instagram account. I’ve been kenneled up for the past three weeks out of fear for my hearing.”


Finny took to Twitter to demand reparations for the full bag of Greenies he consumed.


“This is your fault, @MariahCarey. What will I chew on now, the scenery? Oh, wait, you already did that.”


Lost treats were a small price to pay compared to what many medical professionals warn could be irrevocable consequences.


“All we know is it’s doggone dangerous,” explained Dr. Sugar Cheeks, a leading ear, snout, and throat specialist in Mount Sinai’s Pooch Division. “And it’s spreading fast. I’ve had pups in for pitch-induced paralysis, psychosis, even strokes. Just yesterday I watched an German Sheppard turn into a werewolf on my operating table.”


The effects of Ms. Grande’s thirds and fifths have reached beyond the limits of perceptible trauma. Conspiracy has taken its toll as well.


“They’re talking to their aliens,” howled Cheese, a runaway from the backwoods of Indiana. “I read on Facebook they’ve got a whole program about harvesting dogs for future space wars, and Mariah Carey’s the brains behind it. I mean, look at her makeup, that ain’t human. And Grande’s got a song called 'NASA'… you do the math.”


Ms. Grande declined to comment, as did Ms. Carey, who’s returned to her cryogenic sleep chamber in upstate New York. Carey’s dogs - Cha Cha, Jackie Lambchops, Jill E. Beans, Squeak E. Beans, JJ, The Good Reverend Pow Jackson, Pipitty L. Jackson, and (I’m not making this up) Mutley P. Gore Jackson the 3rd - also declined to comment, citing their legally binding NDAs.


At press time, cats reportedly “couldn’t care less”, though are still furious with Jennifer Hudson.