Disney Princesses Unionize, Demand Redistribution of Mothers
by Julian Hermano. @jwlian.
NEW ORLEANS - Reports are currently surfacing that Princesses Elsa and Anna of Arendelle arrived today in New Orleans for a meeting of their fellow nobility, as the two organizers of the first ever Labor Union among international royals. Their demand? The redistribution of mothers among Disney Princesses, the duo confirmed. “It’s a well known fact that Disney Princesses are disproportionately affected by familial death, especially in the case of mothers,” Claimed Princess Elsa. “We know that from personal experience. And that’s just not fair to anyone. We motion to pass an even distribution and allow for equal matriarchal parenthood regardless of region or class.” Princess Tiana, who hosted the group's preliminary meetings in an upstairs area of her New Orleans restaurant, agreed with the effort for equality.
“I’m fortunate to have a mother, whom I love dearly. But I believe everyone has the right to a mother,” noted Tiana directly to a C-SPAN camera. “I certainly don’t know where I’d be without mine. So I’m standing with my compatriots’ demands to redistribute them fairly for us and future generations. Now, please take a look at section 64 B Addendum 19 of the bill in front of you.” Princess Merida, on the other hand, looked to oppose the committee’s efforts.
“Awrite I get it with ae money sack or something. But yie can’t just cut me Maw in half can you? Shave her down into two wee pieces?” Merida fumed, while shooting arrows into the snowman who follows Princess Anna around. She expressed further confusion when the other princesses spontaneously broke into an original song, “One Wish For Love”.
In addition, some young activists have come out as critics of the union.
“This coalition of modern feudal lords is just monarchic entitlement cosplaying as anarchy!” claimed Lilo, age six. “The ruling class claiming oppression is an insult to the substance of our own struggles!”
In response to their disturbance, a security detail of small woodland critters apprehended and handcuffed Lilo. After some resistance, she was tazed. The young activist’s blue dog, slated to be put down, has escaped custody. He is at large for leaving radioactive excrement in a police cruiser.