Cuomo Announces Broadway Shows Will Open by 2pm Today If They Know What’s Fucking Good For Them

by Zach Raffio. @zachraffio.

NEW YORK, NY - New York Governor Andrew Cuomo announced today that Broadway shows would be rehearsed, have tickets sold, and be ready tio perform by 2:00pm today if they know what’s fucking good for them, the gubernatorial representative confirmed.


“It’s time for people to get back on stage, and that time, specifically, is 2:00pm on the fucking dot,” noted Cuomo while aiming a bb gun at a Dear Evan Hansen ensemble member’s window. “These shows don’t need, like, prep time, right? Like, just get up there and shake your box steps or whatever, I don’t care. I just… have you seen my approval rating?”


While many theatre performers are of course excited to return to work, may were skeptical of Cuomo’s plan.


“I have a dentist appointment,” noted To Kill a Mockingbird actress Katie Tellop while seeing if someone can pick up her kids from school. “On one hand, the show must go on, but on the other hand, why is Cuomo leaving each of us an angry voicemail claiming he’d better see us ‘zip zap zopping by 1:40 or else’?”


Mayor Bill de Blasio, consistently in competition with Cuomo to see who can make the worst decisions for the people they represent, would not be one-upped.


“Oh yeah? Well how about this: the new shows better open today too. That’s right - that musical adaptation of 13 Going on 30 that’s been kind of in the works for years better be ready to go,” said de Blasio while personally buying all the tickets for every show himself. “Someone get Laura Benanti on the phone STAT.”


At press time, Cuomo and de Blasio were seen putting their differences aside, instead joining forces to try and kidnap Nathan Lane for something they call “Operation Thom Pain”.