by Brendan Leonard. @brennylen.
WASHINGTON, D. C. - To combat the ongoing threat of coronavirus, the Center for Disease Control has urged citizens to no longer greet each other with handshakes or hugs, but to use exclusively jazz hands in hopes of preventing the disease from spreading further, the organization confirmed this morning.
“We urge everyone to stop shaking hands immediately,” said Dr. Ruben Spurkle, a spokesperson for the CDC. “Instead, we suggest greeting people in a manner both more sanitary and, frankly, more fabulous: jazz hands. If we have any hope of saving the world from this crippling disease, by God, it is with sassy, interpretive movement.”
It was the Broadway community that initiated this practice after the first case of coronavirus hit New York City earlier this week. Performers and crew members need to be in peak health in order to perform eight shows per week, so taking a risk on a handshakes was out of the question. One performer has already been credited with discovering the safe new greeting.
“I was meeting another actress for the first time yesterday,” said Kitty McKinnon, currently an understudy for the Elephant’s Trunk in Moulin Rouge!. “I was so scared to shake hands because of germs. This other actress put her hand out for a shake, and all of a sudden, the Fosse just came out. Then she joined in, and before I knew it, we were doing the whole ‘Hot Honey Rag’ down the Avenue of the Americas! I was exhausted and she actually got hit by a taxi, but at least we didn’t contract anything.”
Ms. McKinnon realized right away that choreography could save millions of lives from disease. She began an online campaign and soon, the entire Broadway community was twiddling their fingers and giving a pout in lieu of more traditional greetings. The CDC took note.
“When we first set up a task force for studying how dance could prevent viruses, I thought that we as a country should put an end to liberal arts colleges,” said Vice Admiral Jerome Adams, the United States Surgeon General.“Turns out, this may be the only sure-fire way of saying hello to people with style while still keeping things healthy. We recommend the entire country take after Broadway and instead of handshakes, high-fives, and hugs, just bevel damnit! And let those digits fly!”
At press time, the practice is already taking the nation by storm, with not just dancers and singers, but teachers, lawyers, and plumbers all giving each other the ol’ razzle dazzle. The CDC is looking to Broadway for other preventive measures as well, such as Phantom of the Opera surgical masks, and making all pills both little and jagged.