by Brendan Szendro. @BSzendro.
ATLANTA - Amidst the backdrop of a growing health crisis, The Center for Disease Control released a statement today reminding the American public to keep washing their hands for at least 20 seconds, to work from home if possible, and that Danny Burstein still hasn’t won a Goddamned Tony for some reason, the organization confirmed.
“We’re reluctant to place explicit restrictions on Americans’ personal freedoms” said CDC Director Robert Redfield. “We can’t force anyone to do anything. All the same, we give our emphatic position that The Broadway League is dropping the ball.”
According to the CDC, concerns abound over how the current coronavirus outbreak might affect Burstein’s eligibility for his performance in Moulin Rouge! this season.
“We’re not confident justice gets done,” Redfield added. “But even if he does get nominated, what happens if this year’s awards are cancelled? Will he still be eligible in 2021? We need answers now. Oh and also stay away from the elderly blah blah whatever.”
Burstein’s Moulin Rouge! costar Aaron Tveit offered a measured, albeit emphatic response to the announcement.
“It’s a scary time. Danny is getting up there in the years - if not now, when?” questioned Tveit in the middle of a charity livestream. “It’s important during this time to take care of your loved ones, practice physical and mental hygiene, and to not forget that Danny’s Tevye was a brilliant, powerful portrayal just because there’s a pandemic happening. Two things can be true.”
Projections from available data indicate that Burstein’s next nomination could be up to four years away. Advisors to the CDC have cautioned that without the proper interventions, Burstein’s drought could extend indefinitely.
“We’re using the most pessimistic estimates,” said Dr. Alain Boubil of The Institute of Cabaret Sciences. “The data is scarce to begin with, so we can’t make definitive predictions. He hasn’t even been nominated since 2016, so that’s where we’re starting from. It’s frustrating. I’ve done my part spamming The Broadway League’s Twitter account with outraged comments, but it only works if everyone’s doing it. I mean, they can’t block all of us.”
At press time, the CDC reminded citizens that both minimizing the spread of coronavirus and getting Burstein a fucking Tony will not happen over night, and that we may “be in for a long haul.” They then promised to release detailed statistics on the infected population as well as this year’s Tony nominee pool three times daily, and finished by urging citizens to verbally praise Burstein for at least 20 seconds in order to maximize the effect.